Bipolar Depression, Come On In.

Yesterday was 'Wonky Wednesday' in my local pub. I was certainly wonky.

I'm still feeling extremely depressed, it took everything I had just to drag myself out of bed yesterday morning. In the end it took me almost 2 hours to even sit up. 

I didn't bother to shower, I just threw Tuesdays clothes on, my shoes, my hat (so I didn't have to do my hair and could blame it's appearance on 'hat hair'), and left for my doctors appointment. It took me 30 minutes longer than usual to get to my GP surgery as I didn't even have the energy to walk, I have been so lethargic and uninterested lately. It's a shame, I really enjoy walking normally.

I had my headphones, as usual, but I could still hear the traffic, it wasn't giving me the usual anxiety (That is still chained up in a box) but my ears started hurting so I took my headphones off and put my earplugs in. I could still hear the traffic.

It was still quite frosty out but the sun was low and seemed to always be directly in my eyes, it was hurting. I put my sunglasses on. My eyes were still hurting.

Despite how cold it was, about 3 degrees I think, I ended up taking my coat off, I felt claustrophobic, I couldn't catch my breath. My jumper was making me itch so off that came too. Walking 3 miles in a t-shirt. In winter.

A little further along is a petrol station, the smell of the petrol was so strong even from across the road, even from up and down the street. I felt sick. I covered my mouth and nose with my jumper but it didn't help.

The journey back was equally as uncomfortable, I could smell the remains of wood fires from workshops, the exhausts of cars, food from nearby cafes, the drains. My head was pounding, I couldn't breath, my ears and eyes throbbing. I was exhausted. I felt like Darren Shan going through the Purge! I really wanted to just lay down in the street but I had to keep walking home.

When I did get home I was ready to collapse, my senses were still in overdrive, I could smell and taste what my brother had made an hour before I'd returned. I could smell the washing liquid in the sink, the disinfectant on the counter.

I went to hide in my room, I could smell yesterdays deodorant I had used. It was so bright, I'd not even opened my curtains from the night before and yet it was still so bright. I still had my glasses on.

I ended up laid in bed fully clothed, minus my hat and coat, with tissue rammed up my nose and in my ears with a thick blanket over my head. It helped and I managed to sleep for an hour.

When I awoke I stayed under the blanket for several minutes, trying to create the courage to come out. Did I really need to get up? No. But my friends were back from their holiday and I wanted to see them, or they expected me to want to see them, so I guess I did. Thankfully it was dark outside now, the house was quiet. Phew!

I went to meet my friends, the car lights blinding me but it's dark now, I can't wear sunglasses. I'd look a weirdo! I considered putting cotton wool in my ears and telling anyone who asked that I had ear ache but I really didn't want to draw attention to myself at all so I just got on with it. It was actually hell. I even had chest pains to go with it now. Yipee.

I stayed for one drink then made a quick escape only waving bye to the group and giving my best friend a quick hug outside because she initiated it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by refusing. I marched home as quickly as I could, sticking to the back roads, away from traffic. I got home and went straight back to bed, I just wanted to turn off.

This is hypersensitivity, which likely means this isn't just typical depression, this is a Bipolar Depression. And there I was assuming I was going into a Manic episode. I'm still learning.

Looking back on my meet up with my friends, they have been gone for about a week and I have really missed one of them so I was expecting to feel great when I saw him. I didn't feel anything.

I can't feel anything positive. I can't recall the last time I did.

I just have this huge empty space inside, surrounded by darkness and overwhelming despair. Nothing can get through to fill the space. It's making me feel worse, am I that far gone? What can I do to make a gap to sneak joy in? Nothing I have learned or have been taught is working. I'm numb, a zombie.

I'll have to 'ride it out'. It will pass. I hope.

I've told the people around me I'm feeling low, they've all acknowledged it and are trying to help in their own ways, I'm grateful to them for it and I don my mask and try reciprocate it but I can feel the mean comments, the short temper and the disinterest I'm giving out. I hope they can't see it. It's so difficult to listen to a conversation when all I can hear are the voices in my head so I've noticed myself walking away mid conversation in case they ask me if I was listening or what I think on a subject. I'm dismissing things people are telling me that I would normally care about. 

Have I asked how their day was? I don't think so. I don't really care. Not because I don't care for these people, but I don't know how to care right now. All I can hear are the voices. All I can feel is the void. What if I try to care and they get sucked into it and are lost to me forever?

But do I look depressed whilst I'm out? Yeah, sometimes I am sullen but as soon as I become aware I put my mask back on. 

I'll share with you what depression looks like for me right now. 

Ladies and gentleman, my bedroom floor. Junk food, 3 meals (only because my brother made them for me or they took zero effort.), my coat, energy drinks to try keep me awake through the day, Orange Juice to try compensate for lack of sunlight. Water bottles that I've drunk half of each simply because I couldn't be bothered to go downstairs to get a drink.
All of these have just been thrown off my bed, which I also haven't changed the bedding on in over a week, the bin is 2 steps away from the bed, but I can't reach it from my bed so on the floor they go. I also have a huge pile of washing in the corner which I can't be bothered to take downstairs.
This is the side of my depression I never wanted anyone to see but this is the truth of it. Simple, everyday tasks such as personal hygiene, cleaning your room, changing a bed become impossible. This isn't the worst it has been, but it isn't the way I like it either.
But nobody notices because you don't tell them. I could never have the courage to ask somebody to help me do these tasks, I'm due to have my son on Friday, so Friday morning I will clean up all of this, because I know for certain I won't have the energy or motivation tomorrow. Maybe I will take my plate and bowls downstairs. Maybe not.
I am a prisoner to my bed at the moment. No, not my bed. My mind. My disorder.

I'm reaching out but it is falling on people who can't help me. So instead I post memes mocking my disorder with laughing emojis, I make fun of my brain and it's warped way of thinking.
I suffer away by myself, day after day, night after night, reminding myself this will pass just as the last 15 years of episodes passed. I hope with all my being that it passes before it becomes dangerous.
This isn't a nice place to be. I want out.

Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕

Why Is It So Dark In Here?

I've been away for awhile, apologies. I'm having real difficulty with my mental health at the moment. It's dark and I'm terrified. I've tried everything I have in my 'self care arsenal' but non of it is working. I tried to take a day to just be sad, to truly feel it, acknowledge it. I tried to spend time with my brother, we spent a good 4+ hours playing video games, we ate together, we laughed and joked about everything and anything. I tried going out with my friends. I've tried exercise.

Nothing is working. It's not just feeling sad all the time, my mind is at war with itself. I'm not sure if this is my other personalities, if it's my bipolar, my anxiety or depression but I am having some very strange thoughts and feelings and they are getting louder and more insistent. They are telling me to do things and I feel like I have to do them. If I don't I become anxious and aggressive. My dissociation is happening several times a day, I've not had a fugue since Thursday thankfully but it just feels easier to slip into it as it makes my mind go quiet for a little while. It feels like I'm floating through the day, which is preferable right now.
With regards to the thoughts they are quite timid albeit strange and random. For instance, walking down the street, kick that bin over, punch that bus stop, headbutt that street light. Sat in the pub with my friend today I had an overpowering urge to throw my drink (glass and all) across the room, just because. Then throw a table over so I settled for throwing a chair over. It felt good but illogical so I was uncomfortable after. I'm not angry so i don't know why my brain wants me to do these things. I ended up throwing my headphones across the room, throwing myself onto the floor and just shouting with my head in my hands. We laughed it off and then I sighed and said I was leaving. I can just about remember walking home though it felt like I was watching somebody else drive.

With regards to my other personalities, they still wont talk to me. I think they are aware I'm resisting them and I don't want them. I'm aware they are there to keep me safe but they frighten me. It feels like they want to take over and be in charge. When we are both sharing my mind I feel as if I just do what they say, when I try to say no they shout me down and I have no control, I'm just sat in my chair watching them ruin my life. They want to swallow the 'real' me and that means losing everything I have worked so hard for. I have nobody to walk through this with me, nobody I can truly sit and talk to about it. Don't get me wrong, I have people I can talk to about it but they will never really understand the fear I have in me, I need somebody to sit in the dark with me, to feel it, to understand it and walk me out of it.

I'm really struggling to find a reason to fight so I'm just letting these 2 take control whenever they want. Despite the fear. I've just no energy for anything. I've so many things I want to do but motivation has totally abandoned me and I can't be bothered to look for it. The world feels noir, empty and frightening. My general anxiety hasn't even got a say right now, some part of me has locked it up in a crate in my mind and I can hear it screaming to come out.
I kind of miss it.

I've so much more in my head I want to get out but I just haven't got the energy. I'll try again tomorrow.

Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕

Welcome To The Fun House - Bipolar Addition.

My mental health is bad at the moment and I'm showing early symptoms of mania.

Here is where I have a hard time. 

At the moment I'm feeling extremely depressed, suicidal and self harm thoughts are constantly barraging me from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I'm surviving off of one small meal a day, if I can even make that. I can't be bothered to eat, what's the point? I'm fed up, everything is such a chore and my usual positive attitude just isn't cutting it. Frankly I can't be bothered to fight any of it so I'm just getting up and getting on with my days secretly hoping I am involved in some tragic accident that will end this miserable existence.

Despite thinking and feeling this way I'm only sleeping 2 hours a night, I'm full of energy and no amount of walking will get rid of it. Everything, and I mean everything, is annoying the hell out of me. The sounds of people walking around the house. The fucken snow/rain whatever it is, decide what you're bloody doing. The cold weather. My hair. My clothes. Strangers. Friends. Family. Facebook, Twitter. This fucken blog post.

This post is taking me a long time to write as I keep losing concentration every few minutes and doing something else for a short while then coming back to it. I know what comes next and nothing I do will stop it.

My mood will lift to extreme levels, I'll begin pestering my friends to do things, go places. I'll likely spend all of my money on countless things I don't need or even want. I'll become a nuisance. Talking non stop, confidence through the roof, getting into peoples space, constantly hanging off of them and been loud, been inappropriate and possibly upsetting people with my comments. This should last around 4 or 5 days assuming my medications are working. I'll likely not recall most of it, it will be dream like, anything will be possible.

The up side is I'm aware it is coming so I can put things in place to keep myself safe...ish. It's not all bad, this can be useful for me, assuming I can keep some form of control. I can use the energy and confidence to go places and do things way out of my usual comfort zone, I can have some amazing conversations and do some amazing things.

We will simply have to wait and see and hope for the best. I'll do what I can to keep myself as grounded as possible but mostly it will come down to luck.🤷

Sadly I didn't escape last nights anxiety, or rather I gave in to it. I attempted to contact the Crisis Service but they dismissed my concerns so I just let the madness take me. Not my smartest idea and I let myself down by doing so. The guilt of not putting up a fight isn't helping my current mood.

I would like to thank West Yorkshire Police and the A&E staff at the Leeds General Infirmary, they gave me some excellent care last night during my fugue episode. I was found walking down the middle of the road in a t-shirt by the police at 1 am, the temperature was around -2C (28F). I'm extremely lucky I wasn't hit by a car or to have suffered long term effects from the cold.

I'm not sure how long I was out there or how I got there, or where I was going. I didn't come round till I was at the hospital and the Nurse managed to ground me.

Also well done and thank you to my friends at Battle Scars that developed the Crisis card, I feel if I didn't have mine on me last night nobody would of been aware of what was going on with me and it helped with the care I received during a time I couldn't communicate my needs with the staff

Until next time,

stay safe, stay amazing💕

[Insert Anxiety Here]

Dissociation. It's a new word to me. I've heard about it, seen it and read about it but it is totally alien to me. Until I was diagnosed with it anyway. Now it is all too real, I don't understand it, how it works or why I have it but I have accepted I experience it. It's a work in progress.

I've been told high anxiety triggers it, not helpful considering I have anxiety daily really. High anxiety, I can work with a bit. But sometimes I can't recognise when I'm going into high anxiety, that's the body of it. You get to a point where you can't pull yourself out of it, the chaos takes over, there is no logical thinking, no reasoning, just... chaos. It swallows you, all sensibility is gone, just the pain, the despair, the madness, that is all you have room for. I've been told if i feel myself going into fugue i need to contact somebody, a friend, family, crisis team or 999. How do you tell somebody you are at that point when you can't think straight? How do you ring somebody and tell them you need help NOW when you are in fight or flight, pure panic?

You can't breath, you can't keep still, your mind is bouncing from one negative drama to the next. Everything is wrong and nothing can fix it. How do you pull yourself out of that train of thought?

For me, I either self harm to bring myself back to reality or... I let someone else take charge.

I experience different kinds of dissociation, I have 2 other personalities who take over if i am terrified or angry. Otherwise I black out whilst my body keeps going or I come out of myself and have to watch my body do it's own thing with somebody, something else driving.

I'll go into my 2 personalities another time, today let's focus on the dissociation.

Have you ever felt on auto pilot? You just get up and go about your day without thinking about what you are doing, you just do it because you've done it for so long it comes naturally. Imagine doing that but you aren't aware of it. Usually it's like I am sat in a big white space, sat in an old wooden chair watching myself on a big screen, I see myself going about my day, getting on with things. Sounds good maybe but I have no control over what is happening on this screen. And as far as I'm aware nobody else around me realises I'm not in control. I'm aware it is my body but I'm not in control. That's frightening. 

Somebody comes at me with a rude or offensive comment, I would normally find a peaceful way around it but I have no control now, whoever is in charge of my body, my emotions, isn't as kind as I am. They work off pure instinct, survival.

I've had a lot of arguments that have turned violent over the years, now I realise it is because as soon as somebody raises their voice and I become afraid I dissociate. This isn't an excuse, I will take responsibility for my action, I'm not afraid to admit I have acted or spoken out of term, or when I am wrong.

It usually begins with my heart rate increasing, then I begin to shake and from there it can go one of two ways. I can either take control of the situation or I can let myself leave it (dissociate). At the time it feels easier to leave it and let somebody else manage it and then spend the following days trying to reason with what you did. Other people make this easier because they will make the reasons as to why you were right or wrong in your reaction and you can just go along with the majority.

These are the parts I understand.

The parts I don't, for instance today, I have dissociated several times. which I'm confused by as I can't see why. All day I have felt incredibly calm and collected whilst inside I was a total wreck. I just couldn't "get it out". It's the strangest feeling when you feel so broken inside, all... squiggly and fuzzy, but you can't find a hole anywhere in your person to let it out. I've had several chances to ask for help, to tell somebody how I felt but something prevented me, it was like I was gagged by some invisible force.

I've managed to successfully socialise with more than one person today, I've been a bit 'hyper' but then I left the group and went for a walk and I slipped out of myself. I watched myself walking, crossing roads without checking for traffic, not moving so others could pass me. A friend has said she saw me and said I looked drunk, glassy eyed and upset. I can't remember seeing this person, just the walking. I was pulled back into myself after a short while and my mood was in my boots, I felt drained and sleepy. Then, not long after, I left myself again, my body was full of energy and I wanted to run and run until I couldn't run anymore!

I eventually arrived home and as I walked through the door I came back into myself. Thank god. My intention was to get something to eat, get changed and get comfy for bed. At this point I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I've gotten to my room to discover my Mum has moved everything around. Total anxiety meltdown! I'm aware now of how many times I've come out of myself through the day so I am clinging on for dear life to stay grounded. My anxiety is absolutely through the roof, I have an awful throbbing in the left side of my forehead (usually a sign I'm going into fugue) so I sat on my bedroom floor, cuddling my knees, rocking back and forth, tapping my forehead doing whatever I can to control the chaos flying through my mind, I WILL stay in control this time, no matter how much this hurts.

And now I'm here, writing this blog, 30 minutes later. I still feel very much like I could tip over into the madness and i really want to let it take me, I'm so very tired but I'm fighting it off.

I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for several weeks now and have found the last few weeks I am having disturbing thoughts of harming myself using whatever I see around me. For instance, walking to the GP today I would look at a metal railing and consider hitting my head off of it, see a car going fast and consider running into it (not in front of it), walking down the middle of the road, jumping off of bridges, impaling myself on the spiked railings I walk by, setting myself on fire with my lighter whenever I lit a cigarette or just burning my eyes with the cigarette when I was finished with it. Seriously, who has these kind of thoughts and is allowed to walk around in public freely?

These are the not so nice parts of my mental health, it has taken a lot to be able to write this out and I hope it makes sense. I'm not okay today, I wanted so much when I got home to have somebody to sit with, to call, to just curl up with and cry, to tell them i had a bad day and for them to tell me it's okay, tomorrow is another day. And I tried but nobody took me seriously. I wonder if I had told them I wanted to harm myself to settle my anxiety if they would have reacted differently? Instead, I have to sit with myself, cuddle myself, soothe myself somehow and tell myself it's okay, tomorrow is another day.

I'm not okay, but I will be.

and I'm going to bed knowing I fought and survived another day. I didn't self harm, as much as I have wanted to. I'm proud of me.

Until next time,

stay safe, stay amazing 💕

Does This Mean I'm Cured?

Well... Shit. Not even a week into my new blog and I'm cured of all my mental ailments! Yeah. riiiiiiggghhhhhtttt.
I'm having one of those 'good days' that I've only ever heard about. I feel all weird, I'm not anxious and I've managed to hold a conversation with the lady in the bed to the right of me, only because she wouldn't shut up until I gave her more than a smile or a little chuckle/one word reply. Does that still count, even when it was forced?🤔
I slept quite well last night, I'm sure the drugs helped and I actually felt refreshed when I woke up this morning. The Doctor came round and said I could have my drain taken out and that I may be able to go home tonight. I actually have my hopes up, which may be foolish knowing how crap the discharge procedure is in our NHS. But even the thought of going home to a warm bath, my own bed and my own food is enough to make me chirpy today! I've been taken off my IV too, hopefully the nurse will be able to take the PVC out of my forearm soon, it itches like crazy and is making my arm ache like mad now. 

Maybe I'm putting the carriage before the horse here with this good mood, something I try not to do because then when something goes wrong it's like a domino effect and I end up crashing into a pit of despair but I just can't help myself. I've been existing at a medium on my mood scale lately, I've felt like one more thing could easily tip me into crisis so I've been frantically dashing from one side to the other to keep it balanced and it's exhausting. It's nice to not have to put the effort in and just let it naturally happen. 
Crisis frightens me because if it were an upward scale of: 0 - nowhere near and 10 - danger to life, there doesn't seem to be a way to come back down the scale once I pass 0, I only go upwards and then I reach 10, I spend a few days in hospital for either overdose or severe self harm and I find myself back at 0, rinse and repeat. This is a process that can take weeks or months to travel up the scale, depending on life events and my mental health at the time.

When I'm feeling mentally well, like today, I get a bit nervous that I'm mentally blocking something important that I should be addressing, despite the fact I am in a good mood and everything is going well I have that nagging voice at the back of my mind (anxiety?) telling me I've missed something.
Well whatever this is, a natural reaction to today's events, start of a manic episode or if it's all pretend, I will roll with it and enjoy it best I can. With a mind that is constantly battered with negative thoughts and feelings I'm counting this as self care and taking the most out of it!

Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕

A Silence That Kills.

I'm pleased to say my operation went well but I'm having a difficult time with the morphine. I'm not great with strong pain medications, I seem to have a low tolerance for most prescription drugs. I do have a high pain threshold and tolerance though so despite the nurse insisting I needn't be in pain I'm not having to use my switch much.

Between the vertigo, the nausea and the drowsiness I'm not too bad. I can't get out of bed by myself without collapsing, which I learnt the hard way trying to go to the bathroom this afternoon, so between sleeping and been force fed crappy hospital food and copious amounts of water (seriously I've never felt so thirsty and I have had some epic hangovers over the years!) I've been scouring the internet on information about men's mental health.

I figure even though I need to take it easy I can sit on my laptop/phone and be of some use to somebody and not fall behind on what is important to me.

I was considering posting about my experience so far in hospital but I've instead decided to do so when I get home(hopefully Thursday).

 Anyway, Men's Mental Health. Although I guess the majority of it is the same as women's it does have a different kind of stigma attached to it, "man up" being the most prominent I think. 
Here are some key facts about mental health in men to show just how serious this is:

• 76% (just over 3 out of 4) suicides are by men and suicide is the biggest cause of death for men under 35
• 12.5% of men in the UK are suffering from one of the most common mental health disorders
• Men are nearly three times more likely than women to become alcohol dependent (8.7% of men are alcohol dependent compared to 3.3% of women)
• Men are more likely to use (and die from) illegal drugs
• Men are less likely to access psychological therapies than women. Only 36% of referrals to IAPT are men

Information available here


I've found trying to get men to open up to me about their experience is proving the biggest hurdle and I'm at a bit of a road block on how to get past this right now, but I will keep trying. I feel as though I have read every bit of research I can on it over the last 3 months, although this is helpful, I really want to hear it from people who suffer themselves. I'm attempting to network with organisations and people via social media and email but people are reluctant to help me, frankly it's infuriating!

I intend to use this information to help create a HELPFUL support group for men but I'm having such a difficult time with it I want to just throw my arms up, say I tried and move on to my next project. But no, I will keep pushing and find the resources and information I am after, somehow.🤔

I thought this would be easier but how wrong I was. It is extremely disheartening that even in this age of social media and celebrities backing mental health that men are still feeling so isolated and embarrassed by their mental health. Understandable as it is I want to physically grab each one and shake some sense into them! We can't help you if you don't ask or admit there is something bothering you!

Until next time,

stay safe, stay amazing💕

Anxiety Monster Killed My Monday

When somebody says "I don't want you to panic" or "please don't get angry" and the first reaction is to either panic or to get angry. How often, with regards to the worry and over thinking that comes with anxiety, are we told "not to worry" or "try not to think about it", then instantly you begin to worry or you can't stop thinking about it.
Not helpful, is it?
So my struggle at the moment is that I was told my anxiety is the trigger for my dissociative fugue, so I am to manage my high anxiety. For me, right now, that is basically EVERYTHING, the fact I have been told I shouldn't let myself get anxious means I am anxious. All the time. I'm anxious about getting anxious and then I'm anxious that I'm anxious. Occasionally anxious that I'm not anxious, if that makes sense. 🤦 
This is on top of my usual anxiety and the anxiety that is coming from an operation I am due to have tomorrow. I have been asked to come into hospital tonight to try lessen my anxiety and so they can ensure I fast as I struggle to manage that by myself. 

My anxiety wasn't too bad this morning, I was exhausted when I left the house to go to my monthly Battle Scars support group and after 20 minutes of walking I'd come round a bit, I'd realised I wasn't anxious at all, it was a strange feeling considering I was walking along a busy carriageway, which is normally a trigger for me but I rolled with it and tried to enjoy the peace inside my body.

I got to the group 20 minutes later and was still feeling quite relaxed, I must be getting used to the location and the people there. Then several people all walked into the room at roughly the same time and I felt my anxiety launch through me (Oh, there you are, you absolute bastard, what took you so long?). I sit in the same place every month, it helps me manage my anxiety normally but because of where I'd chosen to sit I realised I was trapped in a corner and thus my anxiety got worse. Doh!
How dare all these people want to come to the group!
I wasn't going to try get up (I really had no reason to even get up out of my chair) and squeeze through all these people so I did what I usually do, I went into 'tortoise mode'. I felt all of my confidence throw itself head first out of the window (Come back damn you!) so I refused to co-facilitate as I had originally intended, refused to join in the group activity and kept interaction to a minimum. That's sure to help. Stupid brain.
That has honestly got to be one of the longest groups I have ever attended, I couldn't wait for it to be over which is a shame because I normally enjoy the groups. My anxiety left as soon as the group was over and the majority of people had left, phew!

This is an example of how not to manage anxiety. Instead of using it to fuel me I let the monster take control and prevent me doing something I usually enjoy. But that is okay, I've recognised what went wrong and will put things in place for next time. It's exhausting having to plan ahead for these sort of things but by doing so I am arming myself for the future when I will be able to manage these situations without even thinking about it.

So now here I am, sat on a hospital ward, anxiety meltdown because this time tomorrow I will be recovering from an operation I'm dreading. Replaying the day over and over and despising myself for not lassoing my confidence before it got out of the window and hating my confidence for leaving me so easily when I needed it most. Twat.
And when the nurse asks me if I am okay, I will smile and say I'm fine and she will smile back and go about her rounds leaving me to my perfectly disguised misery. Admitting I'm not okay seems pointless at this point as there isn't anything she could do or say to help. I have all the tools I need but I can't seem to put any into action (I don't even have the energy to try at this point) so I'll struggle along and hope when it peaks I am not in a situation to self harm and rely on old tried and tested methods.
For now I will tap away at my forehead and hope for the best.

I wonder if the fact I'm anxious about how many times I used the word anxiety in this post is normal?🤔

Until next time,

stay safe, stay amazing💕