I'm having one of those 'good days' that I've only ever heard about. I feel all weird, I'm not anxious and I've managed to hold a conversation with the lady in the bed to the right of me, only because she wouldn't shut up until I gave her more than a smile or a little chuckle/one word reply. Does that still count, even when it was forced?🤔
I slept quite well last night, I'm sure the drugs helped and I actually felt refreshed when I woke up this morning. The Doctor came round and said I could have my drain taken out and that I may be able to go home tonight. I actually have my hopes up, which may be foolish knowing how crap the discharge procedure is in our NHS. But even the thought of going home to a warm bath, my own bed and my own food is enough to make me chirpy today! I've been taken off my IV too, hopefully the nurse will be able to take the PVC out of my forearm soon, it itches like crazy and is making my arm ache like mad now.
Maybe I'm putting the carriage before the horse here with this good mood, something I try not to do because then when something goes wrong it's like a domino effect and I end up crashing into a pit of despair but I just can't help myself. I've been existing at a medium on my mood scale lately, I've felt like one more thing could easily tip me into crisis so I've been frantically dashing from one side to the other to keep it balanced and it's exhausting. It's nice to not have to put the effort in and just let it naturally happen.
Crisis frightens me because if it were an upward scale of: 0 - nowhere near and 10 - danger to life, there doesn't seem to be a way to come back down the scale once I pass 0, I only go upwards and then I reach 10, I spend a few days in hospital for either overdose or severe self harm and I find myself back at 0, rinse and repeat. This is a process that can take weeks or months to travel up the scale, depending on life events and my mental health at the time.
When I'm feeling mentally well, like today, I get a bit nervous that I'm mentally blocking something important that I should be addressing, despite the fact I am in a good mood and everything is going well I have that nagging voice at the back of my mind (anxiety?) telling me I've missed something.
Well whatever this is, a natural reaction to today's events, start of a manic episode or if it's all pretend, I will roll with it and enjoy it best I can. With a mind that is constantly battered with negative thoughts and feelings I'm counting this as self care and taking the most out of it!
Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕
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