Why Is It So Dark In Here?

I've been away for awhile, apologies. I'm having real difficulty with my mental health at the moment. It's dark and I'm terrified. I've tried everything I have in my 'self care arsenal' but non of it is working. I tried to take a day to just be sad, to truly feel it, acknowledge it. I tried to spend time with my brother, we spent a good 4+ hours playing video games, we ate together, we laughed and joked about everything and anything. I tried going out with my friends. I've tried exercise.

Nothing is working. It's not just feeling sad all the time, my mind is at war with itself. I'm not sure if this is my other personalities, if it's my bipolar, my anxiety or depression but I am having some very strange thoughts and feelings and they are getting louder and more insistent. They are telling me to do things and I feel like I have to do them. If I don't I become anxious and aggressive. My dissociation is happening several times a day, I've not had a fugue since Thursday thankfully but it just feels easier to slip into it as it makes my mind go quiet for a little while. It feels like I'm floating through the day, which is preferable right now.
With regards to the thoughts they are quite timid albeit strange and random. For instance, walking down the street, kick that bin over, punch that bus stop, headbutt that street light. Sat in the pub with my friend today I had an overpowering urge to throw my drink (glass and all) across the room, just because. Then throw a table over so I settled for throwing a chair over. It felt good but illogical so I was uncomfortable after. I'm not angry so i don't know why my brain wants me to do these things. I ended up throwing my headphones across the room, throwing myself onto the floor and just shouting with my head in my hands. We laughed it off and then I sighed and said I was leaving. I can just about remember walking home though it felt like I was watching somebody else drive.

With regards to my other personalities, they still wont talk to me. I think they are aware I'm resisting them and I don't want them. I'm aware they are there to keep me safe but they frighten me. It feels like they want to take over and be in charge. When we are both sharing my mind I feel as if I just do what they say, when I try to say no they shout me down and I have no control, I'm just sat in my chair watching them ruin my life. They want to swallow the 'real' me and that means losing everything I have worked so hard for. I have nobody to walk through this with me, nobody I can truly sit and talk to about it. Don't get me wrong, I have people I can talk to about it but they will never really understand the fear I have in me, I need somebody to sit in the dark with me, to feel it, to understand it and walk me out of it.

I'm really struggling to find a reason to fight so I'm just letting these 2 take control whenever they want. Despite the fear. I've just no energy for anything. I've so many things I want to do but motivation has totally abandoned me and I can't be bothered to look for it. The world feels noir, empty and frightening. My general anxiety hasn't even got a say right now, some part of me has locked it up in a crate in my mind and I can hear it screaming to come out.
I kind of miss it.

I've so much more in my head I want to get out but I just haven't got the energy. I'll try again tomorrow.

Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕