On yet another sleepless night I find myself thinking over the week, places I have been, people I have seen, conversations we have had.
One conversation I keep coming back to is a debate I had with my Community Psychiatric Nurse (CPN) with regards to self harm. This is a conversation I find myself having more and more often with professionals since I became a part of Battle Scars. I'm unsure as to why exactly, I have several theories but they don't matter so much to me. I just hope I am educating these people every time we have these discussions, though the fact I have had this debate three or four times with the same person doesn't fill me with confidence.
He is what I call a 'text book professional'. a lot of his methods and advice sounds like they are straight out of a hard back psychology text book. After initially asking me why I self harmed he suggested I try elastic bands and ice cubes. He didn't ask if I had already tried those methods, so already I felt I was getting a telling off for it. Here we go again. I'm 28 and this is still a suggestion after 15 years?
Before I get going let me share with you the Battle Scars definition of self harm:
- Self-harm inflicted on the body with immediate and longer term effect such as cutting, burning, scratching, pulling hair, hitting, inserting objects, overdosing, poisoning, eating disorders (or any food related self-harm, e.g. overeating, as well as restricting liquids), taking risks etc. but not including alcohol, drug abuse or smoking unless combined with self-harm as described above.We recognise that alcohol, drugs abuse and smoking can be considered self-harm but we lack the capacity and expertise to provide support with these.
- Psychological harm to the self (e.g. neglect, obsessive negative thinking, sabotaging relationships, maintaining a pattern of creating similar damaging relationships etc.)
It is also worth mentioning that self harm can be very much like a drug, it releases endorphins inside the brain which make you feel good.
Self harm is different for everyone, we do it in different ways and for different reasons. It is generally used to cope with strong negative emotions. It is rarely a cry for help or an attempt at suicide.
Personally I make a point of taking care of my injuries as best I can afterwards to reduce scars and prevent infection.
At Battle Scars we try to encourage self care and distraction whilst also trying to stamp out stigma and gain understanding and support. In no way do we promote self harm.
I have self harmed since about the age of 9, it was more subtle when back then. I would place myself in dangerous situations knowing they were dangerous in the hopes that something negative would happen. It was what I was used to anyway so better the kind I can control, right?
As a teenager of about 13 I did the usual drinking, smoking & drugs. Brilliant, I can hide from my problems!
At 14 I progressed to cutting. My emotions were becoming so intense, I just didn't know how to manage them. I couldn't talk about them, my mother had clearly stated to me several times when I tried to ask her for help "people will make fun of you and bully you" if I did, I already had basically the whole year group bullying me just because I was 'weird' (I still don't know what was weird about me, I rarely spoke and we all wore the same uniform!)
At 15 my cutting had stayed about the same but my behaviour began to become more unpredictable. I had a teacher isolating me, whether it was because I was acting up, because I had offended her with my new 'dark' look or something else I'll never know. All I know for certain is she made me feel alone, bullied and so very angry. I expected the other kids to be mean at this point but I trusted adults to always be kind. So naturally I forced all those emotions back at her until I internalised it when I lost my target at 16 years old.
My self harm became known to certain people and the stigma started. I was attention seeking. I was even more weird than before, I was isolated again so I became an expert at hiding it. My close circle of friends were aware of it but it never came up in conversation. Then the suicidal thoughts started and suddenly my self harm was a cry for help, was me trying to kill myself.
Non of this was true. It was my way of coping with my intense and forever building emotions. I was like a Pepsi with a Mentos inside, fizzing and shaking trying to throw the lid off. Every time I harmed myself some pressure was released. I was terrified of exploding and been left totally numb. Back then, I never cut myself deep enough to scar.
I met my sons Dad just before my 17th birthday and after several awkward conversations I stopped self harming for 8 years.
I began again when we separated, it was an incredibly painful experience for everyone involved especially considering our son was 4 at the time and his family unit had been torn apart. I couldn't manage these awful feelings and they build up again and the self harm started again and it hasn't stopped since, we're 5 years later now.
I am incredibly different now from how I was as a teenager. I have more understanding of my emotions, of my trauma, of my self harm. I know for certain now that it is a way to release my emotions when nothing else works and despite it been harm to myself, it is still the safest way for me to do so sometimes.
The stigma is still as crippling as ever and I am busting my arse to try change that by having those debates with moron professionals, with ignorant people.
I am incredibly lucky to have a circle of friends who, although they don't understand it, they support me through it. They are more than happy to be around me whilst I insist on wearing a t-shirt. With all my scars out for the world to see. They helped me get to this point when they said "Just wear a fucking t-shirt!" when I complained I was too warm for the 50th time during the summer.
I understand it is upsetting when you see my new scars or new injuries but i'm afraid this is something I can't let go of yet, all I can do is try to make the space between it longer. I'm really trying to find out as much as I can about it, understand it and hopefully one day stop doing it.
I'm not proud of my scars, but I will never be ashamed of them. Without them it could of been a lot different. I dread to think. All I can ask is people try to look past the injuries and see the person. Educate yourself on it, for the love of all that is do not go by the stigma. Ask us why we do it, listen to us. Help distract us when we feel like doing it, and please, don't punish us for doing it. We feel guilty enough about it without the extra guilt from letting you down as well.
If I have new injuries just check in with me, don't make a massive issue of it. It could be I was trying to come out of an anxiety attack, it could be something terrible has happened or maybe I had the urge to do so.
I fully believe self harm is an addiction for me now, I don't really want to stop doing it, I know I should though and I'm working on it.
Until next time,
