I'm still feeling extremely depressed, it took everything I had just to drag myself out of bed yesterday morning. In the end it took me almost 2 hours to even sit up.
I didn't bother to shower, I just threw Tuesdays clothes on, my shoes, my hat (so I didn't have to do my hair and could blame it's appearance on 'hat hair'), and left for my doctors appointment. It took me 30 minutes longer than usual to get to my GP surgery as I didn't even have the energy to walk, I have been so lethargic and uninterested lately. It's a shame, I really enjoy walking normally.
I had my headphones, as usual, but I could still hear the traffic, it wasn't giving me the usual anxiety (That is still chained up in a box) but my ears started hurting so I took my headphones off and put my earplugs in. I could still hear the traffic.
It was still quite frosty out but the sun was low and seemed to always be directly in my eyes, it was hurting. I put my sunglasses on. My eyes were still hurting.
Despite how cold it was, about 3 degrees I think, I ended up taking my coat off, I felt claustrophobic, I couldn't catch my breath. My jumper was making me itch so off that came too. Walking 3 miles in a t-shirt. In winter.
A little further along is a petrol station, the smell of the petrol was so strong even from across the road, even from up and down the street. I felt sick. I covered my mouth and nose with my jumper but it didn't help.
The journey back was equally as uncomfortable, I could smell the remains of wood fires from workshops, the exhausts of cars, food from nearby cafes, the drains. My head was pounding, I couldn't breath, my ears and eyes throbbing. I was exhausted. I felt like Darren Shan going through the Purge! I really wanted to just lay down in the street but I had to keep walking home.
When I did get home I was ready to collapse, my senses were still in overdrive, I could smell and taste what my brother had made an hour before I'd returned. I could smell the washing liquid in the sink, the disinfectant on the counter.
I went to hide in my room, I could smell yesterdays deodorant I had used. It was so bright, I'd not even opened my curtains from the night before and yet it was still so bright. I still had my glasses on.
I ended up laid in bed fully clothed, minus my hat and coat, with tissue rammed up my nose and in my ears with a thick blanket over my head. It helped and I managed to sleep for an hour.
When I awoke I stayed under the blanket for several minutes, trying to create the courage to come out. Did I really need to get up? No. But my friends were back from their holiday and I wanted to see them, or they expected me to want to see them, so I guess I did. Thankfully it was dark outside now, the house was quiet. Phew!
I went to meet my friends, the car lights blinding me but it's dark now, I can't wear sunglasses. I'd look a weirdo! I considered putting cotton wool in my ears and telling anyone who asked that I had ear ache but I really didn't want to draw attention to myself at all so I just got on with it. It was actually hell. I even had chest pains to go with it now. Yipee.
I stayed for one drink then made a quick escape only waving bye to the group and giving my best friend a quick hug outside because she initiated it and I didn't want to hurt her feelings by refusing. I marched home as quickly as I could, sticking to the back roads, away from traffic. I got home and went straight back to bed, I just wanted to turn off.
This is hypersensitivity, which likely means this isn't just typical depression, this is a Bipolar Depression. And there I was assuming I was going into a Manic episode. I'm still learning.
Looking back on my meet up with my friends, they have been gone for about a week and I have really missed one of them so I was expecting to feel great when I saw him. I didn't feel anything.
I can't feel anything positive. I can't recall the last time I did.
I just have this huge empty space inside, surrounded by darkness and overwhelming despair. Nothing can get through to fill the space. It's making me feel worse, am I that far gone? What can I do to make a gap to sneak joy in? Nothing I have learned or have been taught is working. I'm numb, a zombie.
I'll have to 'ride it out'. It will pass. I hope.
I've told the people around me I'm feeling low, they've all acknowledged it and are trying to help in their own ways, I'm grateful to them for it and I don my mask and try reciprocate it but I can feel the mean comments, the short temper and the disinterest I'm giving out. I hope they can't see it. It's so difficult to listen to a conversation when all I can hear are the voices in my head so I've noticed myself walking away mid conversation in case they ask me if I was listening or what I think on a subject. I'm dismissing things people are telling me that I would normally care about.
Have I asked how their day was? I don't think so. I don't really care. Not because I don't care for these people, but I don't know how to care right now. All I can hear are the voices. All I can feel is the void. What if I try to care and they get sucked into it and are lost to me forever?
But do I look depressed whilst I'm out? Yeah, sometimes I am sullen but as soon as I become aware I put my mask back on.
I'll share with you what depression looks like for me right now.
Ladies and gentleman, my bedroom floor. Junk food, 3 meals (only because my brother made them for me or they took zero effort.), my coat, energy drinks to try keep me awake through the day, Orange Juice to try compensate for lack of sunlight. Water bottles that I've drunk half of each simply because I couldn't be bothered to go downstairs to get a drink.
All of these have just been thrown off my bed, which I also haven't changed the bedding on in over a week, the bin is 2 steps away from the bed, but I can't reach it from my bed so on the floor they go. I also have a huge pile of washing in the corner which I can't be bothered to take downstairs.
This is the side of my depression I never wanted anyone to see but this is the truth of it. Simple, everyday tasks such as personal hygiene, cleaning your room, changing a bed become impossible. This isn't the worst it has been, but it isn't the way I like it either.But nobody notices because you don't tell them. I could never have the courage to ask somebody to help me do these tasks, I'm due to have my son on Friday, so Friday morning I will clean up all of this, because I know for certain I won't have the energy or motivation tomorrow. Maybe I will take my plate and bowls downstairs. Maybe not.
I am a prisoner to my bed at the moment. No, not my bed. My mind. My disorder.
I'm reaching out but it is falling on people who can't help me. So instead I post memes mocking my disorder with laughing emojis, I make fun of my brain and it's warped way of thinking.
I suffer away by myself, day after day, night after night, reminding myself this will pass just as the last 15 years of episodes passed. I hope with all my being that it passes before it becomes dangerous.
This isn't a nice place to be. I want out.
Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazingđź’•
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