I've been told high anxiety triggers it, not helpful considering I have anxiety daily really. High anxiety, I can work with a bit. But sometimes I can't recognise when I'm going into high anxiety, that's the body of it. You get to a point where you can't pull yourself out of it, the chaos takes over, there is no logical thinking, no reasoning, just... chaos. It swallows you, all sensibility is gone, just the pain, the despair, the madness, that is all you have room for. I've been told if i feel myself going into fugue i need to contact somebody, a friend, family, crisis team or 999. How do you tell somebody you are at that point when you can't think straight? How do you ring somebody and tell them you need help NOW when you are in fight or flight, pure panic?
You can't breath, you can't keep still, your mind is bouncing from one negative drama to the next. Everything is wrong and nothing can fix it. How do you pull yourself out of that train of thought?
For me, I either self harm to bring myself back to reality or... I let someone else take charge.
I experience different kinds of dissociation, I have 2 other personalities who take over if i am terrified or angry. Otherwise I black out whilst my body keeps going or I come out of myself and have to watch my body do it's own thing with somebody, something else driving.
I'll go into my 2 personalities another time, today let's focus on the dissociation.
Have you ever felt on auto pilot? You just get up and go about your day without thinking about what you are doing, you just do it because you've done it for so long it comes naturally. Imagine doing that but you aren't aware of it. Usually it's like I am sat in a big white space, sat in an old wooden chair watching myself on a big screen, I see myself going about my day, getting on with things. Sounds good maybe but I have no control over what is happening on this screen. And as far as I'm aware nobody else around me realises I'm not in control. I'm aware it is my body but I'm not in control. That's frightening.
Somebody comes at me with a rude or offensive comment, I would normally find a peaceful way around it but I have no control now, whoever is in charge of my body, my emotions, isn't as kind as I am. They work off pure instinct, survival.
I've had a lot of arguments that have turned violent over the years, now I realise it is because as soon as somebody raises their voice and I become afraid I dissociate. This isn't an excuse, I will take responsibility for my action, I'm not afraid to admit I have acted or spoken out of term, or when I am wrong.
It usually begins with my heart rate increasing, then I begin to shake and from there it can go one of two ways. I can either take control of the situation or I can let myself leave it (dissociate). At the time it feels easier to leave it and let somebody else manage it and then spend the following days trying to reason with what you did. Other people make this easier because they will make the reasons as to why you were right or wrong in your reaction and you can just go along with the majority.
These are the parts I understand.
The parts I don't, for instance today, I have dissociated several times. which I'm confused by as I can't see why. All day I have felt incredibly calm and collected whilst inside I was a total wreck. I just couldn't "get it out". It's the strangest feeling when you feel so broken inside, all... squiggly and fuzzy, but you can't find a hole anywhere in your person to let it out. I've had several chances to ask for help, to tell somebody how I felt but something prevented me, it was like I was gagged by some invisible force.
I've managed to successfully socialise with more than one person today, I've been a bit 'hyper' but then I left the group and went for a walk and I slipped out of myself. I watched myself walking, crossing roads without checking for traffic, not moving so others could pass me. A friend has said she saw me and said I looked drunk, glassy eyed and upset. I can't remember seeing this person, just the walking. I was pulled back into myself after a short while and my mood was in my boots, I felt drained and sleepy. Then, not long after, I left myself again, my body was full of energy and I wanted to run and run until I couldn't run anymore!
I eventually arrived home and as I walked through the door I came back into myself. Thank god. My intention was to get something to eat, get changed and get comfy for bed. At this point I'm exhausted, physically and mentally. I've gotten to my room to discover my Mum has moved everything around. Total anxiety meltdown! I'm aware now of how many times I've come out of myself through the day so I am clinging on for dear life to stay grounded. My anxiety is absolutely through the roof, I have an awful throbbing in the left side of my forehead (usually a sign I'm going into fugue) so I sat on my bedroom floor, cuddling my knees, rocking back and forth, tapping my forehead doing whatever I can to control the chaos flying through my mind, I WILL stay in control this time, no matter how much this hurts.
And now I'm here, writing this blog, 30 minutes later. I still feel very much like I could tip over into the madness and i really want to let it take me, I'm so very tired but I'm fighting it off.
I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts for several weeks now and have found the last few weeks I am having disturbing thoughts of harming myself using whatever I see around me. For instance, walking to the GP today I would look at a metal railing and consider hitting my head off of it, see a car going fast and consider running into it (not in front of it), walking down the middle of the road, jumping off of bridges, impaling myself on the spiked railings I walk by, setting myself on fire with my lighter whenever I lit a cigarette or just burning my eyes with the cigarette when I was finished with it. Seriously, who has these kind of thoughts and is allowed to walk around in public freely?
These are the not so nice parts of my mental health, it has taken a lot to be able to write this out and I hope it makes sense. I'm not okay today, I wanted so much when I got home to have somebody to sit with, to call, to just curl up with and cry, to tell them i had a bad day and for them to tell me it's okay, tomorrow is another day. And I tried but nobody took me seriously. I wonder if I had told them I wanted to harm myself to settle my anxiety if they would have reacted differently? Instead, I have to sit with myself, cuddle myself, soothe myself somehow and tell myself it's okay, tomorrow is another day.
I'm not okay, but I will be.
and I'm going to bed knowing I fought and survived another day. I didn't self harm, as much as I have wanted to. I'm proud of me.
Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing 💕
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