Welcome To The Fun House - Bipolar Addition.

My mental health is bad at the moment and I'm showing early symptoms of mania.

Here is where I have a hard time. 

At the moment I'm feeling extremely depressed, suicidal and self harm thoughts are constantly barraging me from the moment I wake up till the moment I go to bed. I'm surviving off of one small meal a day, if I can even make that. I can't be bothered to eat, what's the point? I'm fed up, everything is such a chore and my usual positive attitude just isn't cutting it. Frankly I can't be bothered to fight any of it so I'm just getting up and getting on with my days secretly hoping I am involved in some tragic accident that will end this miserable existence.

Despite thinking and feeling this way I'm only sleeping 2 hours a night, I'm full of energy and no amount of walking will get rid of it. Everything, and I mean everything, is annoying the hell out of me. The sounds of people walking around the house. The fucken snow/rain whatever it is, decide what you're bloody doing. The cold weather. My hair. My clothes. Strangers. Friends. Family. Facebook, Twitter. This fucken blog post.

This post is taking me a long time to write as I keep losing concentration every few minutes and doing something else for a short while then coming back to it. I know what comes next and nothing I do will stop it.

My mood will lift to extreme levels, I'll begin pestering my friends to do things, go places. I'll likely spend all of my money on countless things I don't need or even want. I'll become a nuisance. Talking non stop, confidence through the roof, getting into peoples space, constantly hanging off of them and been loud, been inappropriate and possibly upsetting people with my comments. This should last around 4 or 5 days assuming my medications are working. I'll likely not recall most of it, it will be dream like, anything will be possible.

The up side is I'm aware it is coming so I can put things in place to keep myself safe...ish. It's not all bad, this can be useful for me, assuming I can keep some form of control. I can use the energy and confidence to go places and do things way out of my usual comfort zone, I can have some amazing conversations and do some amazing things.

We will simply have to wait and see and hope for the best. I'll do what I can to keep myself as grounded as possible but mostly it will come down to luck.🤷

Sadly I didn't escape last nights anxiety, or rather I gave in to it. I attempted to contact the Crisis Service but they dismissed my concerns so I just let the madness take me. Not my smartest idea and I let myself down by doing so. The guilt of not putting up a fight isn't helping my current mood.

I would like to thank West Yorkshire Police and the A&E staff at the Leeds General Infirmary, they gave me some excellent care last night during my fugue episode. I was found walking down the middle of the road in a t-shirt by the police at 1 am, the temperature was around -2C (28F). I'm extremely lucky I wasn't hit by a car or to have suffered long term effects from the cold.

I'm not sure how long I was out there or how I got there, or where I was going. I didn't come round till I was at the hospital and the Nurse managed to ground me.

Also well done and thank you to my friends at Battle Scars that developed the Crisis card, I feel if I didn't have mine on me last night nobody would of been aware of what was going on with me and it helped with the care I received during a time I couldn't communicate my needs with the staff

Until next time,

stay safe, stay amazing💕