Not helpful, is it?
So my struggle at the moment is that I was told my anxiety is the trigger for my dissociative fugue, so I am to manage my high anxiety. For me, right now, that is basically EVERYTHING, the fact I have been told I shouldn't let myself get anxious means I am anxious. All the time. I'm anxious about getting anxious and then I'm anxious that I'm anxious. Occasionally anxious that I'm not anxious, if that makes sense. 🤦
This is on top of my usual anxiety and the anxiety that is coming from an operation I am due to have tomorrow. I have been asked to come into hospital tonight to try lessen my anxiety and so they can ensure I fast as I struggle to manage that by myself.
My anxiety wasn't too bad this morning, I was exhausted when I left the house to go to my monthly Battle Scars support group and after 20 minutes of walking I'd come round a bit, I'd realised I wasn't anxious at all, it was a strange feeling considering I was walking along a busy carriageway, which is normally a trigger for me but I rolled with it and tried to enjoy the peace inside my body.
I got to the group 20 minutes later and was still feeling quite relaxed, I must be getting used to the location and the people there. Then several people all walked into the room at roughly the same time and I felt my anxiety launch through me (Oh, there you are, you absolute bastard, what took you so long?). I sit in the same place every month, it helps me manage my anxiety normally but because of where I'd chosen to sit I realised I was trapped in a corner and thus my anxiety got worse. Doh!How dare all these people want to come to the group!
I wasn't going to try get up (I really had no reason to even get up out of my chair) and squeeze through all these people so I did what I usually do, I went into 'tortoise mode'. I felt all of my confidence throw itself head first out of the window (Come back damn you!) so I refused to co-facilitate as I had originally intended, refused to join in the group activity and kept interaction to a minimum. That's sure to help. Stupid brain.
That has honestly got to be one of the longest groups I have ever attended, I couldn't wait for it to be over which is a shame because I normally enjoy the groups. My anxiety left as soon as the group was over and the majority of people had left, phew!
This is an example of how not to manage anxiety. Instead of using it to fuel me I let the monster take control and prevent me doing something I usually enjoy. But that is okay, I've recognised what went wrong and will put things in place for next time. It's exhausting having to plan ahead for these sort of things but by doing so I am arming myself for the future when I will be able to manage these situations without even thinking about it.
So now here I am, sat on a hospital ward, anxiety meltdown because this time tomorrow I will be recovering from an operation I'm dreading. Replaying the day over and over and despising myself for not lassoing my confidence before it got out of the window and hating my confidence for leaving me so easily when I needed it most. Twat.
And when the nurse asks me if I am okay, I will smile and say I'm fine and she will smile back and go about her rounds leaving me to my perfectly disguised misery. Admitting I'm not okay seems pointless at this point as there isn't anything she could do or say to help. I have all the tools I need but I can't seem to put any into action (I don't even have the energy to try at this point) so I'll struggle along and hope when it peaks I am not in a situation to self harm and rely on old tried and tested methods.
For now I will tap away at my forehead and hope for the best.
I wonder if the fact I'm anxious about how many times I used the word anxiety in this post is normal?🤔
Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕
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