Let me fill you in on how anxiety is for me, how it impacts my daily life.
Making phone calls, answering phone calls.
How can something so simple be so difficult? I had to answer the phone or make calls several times a day at the hospital and I always managed perfectly fine. However if I receive a phone call on my mobile anxiety immediately kicks in. Sweating, trembling and tightness in the chest. You'd think caller ID would elevate this somewhat but even with that, the worry of why they are calling or what mood they are in triggers me. What if they shout at me? What if I have made a mistake and they are going to tell me off for it? I can't escape once I answer the phone. Hanging up isn't an option, they will become more cross with me if I were to do that.
It's safer just not to answer. My mobile is forever on silent as the sound of it ringing triggers my anxiety. 🙉
Face to face interaction.
Again this is something I managed well at work, I had to meet and greet between 150 and 250 people each day. I'd dare say I even became good at it, who'd of thought I could make small talk? Outside of work however, I couldn't get on a bus to and from work and speak to the driver so I used the app to buy my tickets. Now sadly, I can very rarely manage to even get on a bus.
I couldn't order food or drink at the coffee shop or cafeteria so I would use the self serve check out in the Tesco or bring my own food. And don't get me started on eating in the staff room. I used to go out into the car park and sit on a small wall behind a car to eat in private, nobody could see me that way. If it was raining I would just not eat at all and walk around the hospital so my co workers thought I had been off to eat.
Have you ever been forced into a conversation and when they have asked you a question, a really simple one, you have just frozen? I was once asked where I live, I answered and then they asked what part of that area I lived in. My brain totally flat lined and I became mute, I instantly became flushed and terrified. I'd failed at such simple interaction! Thankfully the person I was with jumped in and saved me but it didn't change the fact it had happened. Mortified!
Avoidance is still the best way for me to manage these triggers. Sadly.
Going to public places alone.
Some days I can manage this, most days I can't. I do have a safe zone in my local area though so I can walk around there and my social anxiety is at a minimum, I think this is due to it been a tight knit community where I have known the majority of these people since about the age of 3. I feel some what safe in the 'village'. I'm still a social retard if I have to speak to them one to one mind, but little victories.
If i have to go into the city centre however that is a totally different kettle of fish. I almost jog through the crowds, darting around people trying my best to avoid any physical contact or any chance for them to speak to me. my headphones go everywhere with me, people are less likely to try interact with me if I wear them and my music helps drown out the awful racket that is the world. I have enough noise in my head without adding to it. I try to do most of my shopping online to limit my contact with strangers who might judge the way I look, talk or act. Asking a shop assistant for help is impossible and I tend to just leave the shop if I can't find what I am after and then convince myself I didn't really need that item anyway to console myself.
Avoidance strikes again.
Despite all of this, I still go to new places by myself, I found getting to an appointment early and spending 15 minutes outside using breathing exercises helps me force my feet through the door.
If I have to spend a considerable amount of time in a crowded place I often find myself rocking, pacing or fidgeting (rocking my legs, tapping my fingers).
Ending the day.
This is my least favourite part of my anxiety, if I had to pick a favourite anyway. So after all of the above, I am absolutely exhausted. Each one has taken a heavy toll on me, I can't wait to lie down and sleep, except.... I become anxious over bedtime. I'm aware that upon settling into bed my brain will start to whir and I will lay there for at least 2 hours, thinking about every interaction of my day and how I could have improved it or what I did wrong.
Day after day this is my routine. This one can't be avoided as sleep is inevitable.
The next part is possibly the worst part of my anxiety - planning future interactions. This infuriates me immensely, it is about control and you cannot control other people, how they think, how they feel, how they react to you and your actions or what they will say. I will lay and plan conversations I may have over the next day or sometimes week (That's a lot of conversations to plan at 3am when you're already exhausted) knowing full well, when it comes to said conversations they will not go according to my carefully made plans, at all. Yet I will do this night after night fruitlessly.
So, with all of this going on constantly through my day, I ask myself how can I make these tasks easier? How can i practise self care?
I've learnt to take pride in simple daily tasks I accomplish, no matter how silly they may seem to other people. I make a check list each morning in my mind and tick off each as I do them whilst sitting and listening to my feelings, I ask myself why I feel this way? Is it really that bad?
I've found 9 times out of 10 all of these things aren't as bad as i imagine them to be prior. And I will always try my best to not avoid things because the feeling of relief upon leaving these situations or completing them is the best feeling in the world.
However, avoidance is okay, sometimes. Anxiety manifests physically for most people and it can make you very unwell. Learn your triggers, slowly work through them if you are able to do so safely.
Until next time,
stay safe, stay amazing💕
All images used were taken from google and are copyright to their rightful owners with my thanks.
No comments:
Post a Comment